Just watched the Golden Globes. It's always a reality check when I see people in show business, and get to observe not only how carefree and glamorous their lives appear to be, but also how they too are just people who worked hard (or got lucky for some, I'm sure) and believed in themselves. Mostly, the people who won seemed to be confident and grateful.

I am sure I have written this before, but I just have to wonder why I have this limiting idea that if I believe in myself bad things will happen. Tonight Meryl Streep said that her mother was never one to entertain gloom and doom. It got me thinking even more about why I am fearful. Julia Cameron teaches in The Artist's Way that creatives sometime become blocked. The entire book in fact, is about how to release blocked creativity. I know that it is helping me, but the work is slow and hard. I show up every day and do the work though. I sit down at the piano even when I am having an off-day and can't seem to hit any of the correct notes. It is scary, and some days my efforts are less ambitious than they probably should be, but I am still there.

By the way, I was watching a pianist playing on YouTube a few months ago and I had a realization that may seem insignificant and obvious but it was a breakthrough for me. (Sometimes I think we know things in a practical way but never really apply it to ourselves) It hit me that pianists seldom actually look at the keys while they play. Now I knew this, but I also have never considered myself a serious piano player, and for about sixteen years I have spent way too much time pulling my eyes away from the music to second-guess my hand placement. It usually ended up with me losing my place, having to pause for a second, and thus slowing everything down. But when I saw this boy playing so differently from what I had always done, I decided that my technique of stopping and looking was just another manifestation of me not trusting myself.

For the past few months I have stopped looking down. I know where the notes are. They never once moved on me and my playing has become at least 75% better than it was only sixty days ago. Not only that, but my impulses are improving. I am starting to understand what is actually happening musically in most contemporary musical theatre songs. There are plenty of patterns emerging and it is magical to experience them as if they were new. (I'm reminded of a certain Rolling Stones song ;) )

And in other news I am having a friend take the long-anticipated headshots sometime in the next week. I have no idea what color to wear. Probably something blue or green.

It is a sad blogger indeed who only logs in once a year. Oh well, I never was good at finishing small projects I that I start. I'm more of a "pursue the big picture" kind of Capricorn (however slowly). But then again, who's to say that this little account of my life in the big city isn't indeed part of the big picture. Maybe it's more important than I think--or will be some day. I probably need all the opportunities to be accountable to myself and anyone out there reading--that I can get.

So let me go ahead and make my excuses. The first half of my year kept me tangled up in a half-romance that I had no business being in. Let's just say that when I am hopeful and can see a possibility for love and joy, I dig in for the long-haul. Okay, to be honest, I'm just now glimpsing the light at the end of that dead end tunnel. But whatever, I'll survive.

The second half of the year I got very very sick and I am just now on the other side of an illness that I am sure I created. Hopefully I will get a good report card tomorrow when I get some test results back.

I've also been working at the same old job, but for the most part having a fabulous time surviving. Money is not good in New York. Not in the service industry anyway. Diners everywhere, be sure to tip your servers appropriately! We have bills to pay too--and hopefully something left over to see a show! :)

Speaking of shows, I've seen a few this year. Here's the list. Hair, Next To Normal (my friend's cousin is in that one), God of Carnage, Ragtime, and Oleanna. And of course I have to try to see A Little Night Music and see if CZJ is any good. I'm rooting for her!

So I just got back from Christmas and I spent a lazy five days letting things go. I am working on getting rid of what's not working in my life (and who's not working as well). This has been a long process that started a few months ago and I can see the fog clearing for the first time in years. There's no question that the small steps I'm taking are itty-bitty compared to some other people I know who seem to manifest their goals immediately. But each tip toe forward is for me, a huge victory.

My first audition and my first "type-out"

I went to two auditions this week.  The first was for a rock opera that is going to be directed by a professor from my college.  I was really excited until I found out that over 800 people had requested audition slots.  At that point it became more about just making it a successful first NYC audition (which I must admit I have been building up in my head for YEARS).  All in all, it was successful--given my years of anticipation--but as an individual audition it was not my proudest moment.  I feel like it was a success because I got through it without fainting.  But it was a disappointment for me because I really wanted to impress my old director.  He is so talented and inspiring and I really wanted him to see how far I have come on my own since college.  But I froze up--for a number of reasons.  I was relatively calm because I knew that with so many submissions I probably didn't have a chance.  It took the pressure off.  But just before I went in my friend from work who is also an actor showed up.  She went in the room in front of me and did an amazing job.  She sang "The Wizard and I" and she has a big voice so I was very intimidated.  I had to follow her and when I went into the room I just got so nervous seeing the prof again.  Aside from being brilliant he is also strikingly handsome.  And I've never been one to keep my shit together around a hot man.  The final factor aside from my nervousness was that the pianist totally ignored my tempo instructions and took off at double my tempo.  I could barely keep up.  So anyway I was relatively embarrassed and disappointed in myself on many levels.  Needless to say I didn't get a callback, but at least I did something.  

And today I went to the open call for Fiddler on the Roof and I got typed out before I could sing.  I saw Dave Clemmons so I can finally put a face with the name I've heard so often.  He was very nice and human and concerned with setting the actors at ease.  It was very strange to be in a room full of Hodel and Chava hopefuls.  So many girls were there (about 300) plus a handful of guys.  The girls had so many different looks.  I had my own ideas about who would and wouldn't be typed in.  It barely crossed my mind that I may not have the right look for this production.  I have long brown hair and some would say I have jewish-y bone structure.  And I am short and slender.  Well color me stupid.  Dave barely gave me a second glance in our little 20 person line up.  My friend who was in there with me (and who was sweet enough to sign me up when she arrived earlier than me) said she noticed the girls they kept were indeed petite but also had dark skin.  Not much I can do about that.  I have no regrets about showing up but it certainly is a waste of time and effort to wake up so early and not even get to sing.  But it is far better than singing when the people behind the table already know you're not what they're looking for.  So in 3 days I went on 2 auditions.  I may go on another this Thursday.  After Christmas there will be a lot of casting going on but for now there is a break.   This will give me some time to absorb the things I've learned and regroup.  All in all, I think this was a great experience and hopefully it will take the edge off my future auditions. 

I went on a spending spree at Colony and bought the newest soprano and belter editions of the Musical Theatre Anthologies.  They were pretty cha-ching.  I also bought a Jessica Simpson book and a Natasha Beddingfield.  They have some good ballads that I can use for my pop pieces.   I went there for Carrie Underwood and Spring Awakening.  I must have musical ADHD. 

In other news my sister and company members from my job in NC came up to visit NYC for the holidays.  It was a lot of fun and I got to catch up with my sister.  I truly feel like we are soul mates and not just siblings.  She is the only person I can tell almost anything to and she gets me.  Needless to say it was very hard to say goodbye.  But in two weeks I get to go home for Christmas.  That will be a joy. 

My roommates sound like hyenas right now.  I don't know why some people find it funny to squeal and carry on like morons.  They're not even drunk.  Am I being weird by finding that weird and annoying?  It's almost ten o'clock.  It's QUIET time.  At least to this granny right here.  

It has been a while since I updated.  Tonight finally felt like the perfect time to do it so here I am, contemplating what to say about the past several months.  My reclusive tendencies have taken over lately forcing me to stay far away from any kind of honest contemplation--so I have avoided, everything, it seems in attempts to not have to make any decisions or move forward.  In other words, I've been stuck in a big mud hole and been pretty scarily comfortable there. 

In August I had a major heartbreak that had been brewing for quite some time.  I feel like I should be over the stages where anyone can break my heart after all the man traps I have fallen into, but somehow I let this one in too--not despite my better judgement.  Maybe it was only a rebound, but I honestly and truly believed that this person was the one I had been waiting for.  

I have met plenty of guys who thought I was good enough a good time (they cruelly led me to believe things were more serious than that of course).  I believed that he was for real.  Like marriage and babies and growing old together real--which is more than even my ex fiance ever offered me--because this heartbreak guy believed he meant every word he said to me.  And I really believe that.  

Regardless after much planning we arranged a visit (since his city is sliiiightly south of NYC) and he changed his mind about me.  I am convinced that this happened the moment I bought a plane ticket.  Some men can't let something be real once it actually becomes real apparently.  So after a tense and awkward weekend during which I felt more unwelcome than I ever have before in my life, I lost the guy I thought loved me to a wall of silence.  I found out that he started seriously dating a girl shortly after I flew back to the city and the rest is history.  I confronted him of course in the form of a scathing letter.  He replied in a writing a half-ass apology and they have been blissfully together ever since.  

Anyway let me say for the record that I have made my peace with this guy (in my heart and in my head) but the whole episode plunged me into a vortex of depression that kept me stalled on any kind of growth for a while.  Of course I pulled myself out eventually and the pain faded and then lifted away altogether eventually.  

Then a month ago yesterday, I believe, a friend of mine died.  Her name was Angela and we grew up together.  I loved her dearly although we had lost touch.  When a person dies suddenly you never remember the hard times (and we had hard times for sure).  You only remember all the love you felt for them.  This is why I believe that love is stronger than anger and the desire for revenge.  I was close with Angela's sister and knowing that she and her parents were suffering made me sadder than I can put into words.  

So I still have not auditioned since I have been here.  I have done a student film that my roommate got me into and have a guy who is going to call me about laying down some vocals for some of his pop songs that he supposedly writes.  I want to take voice lessons and I want to get new headshots, but first things first I want to actually WANT to audition.  So far I am dreading the whole process.  I am afraid of failing.  I am afraid of being a waitress for the rest of my life.  I am afraid that I'm not good enough.  It physically hurts to say these things because they are reinforced so deeply in my psyche.  Does the idea of auditioning really make other actors want to throw up or have a panic attack?  I feel like I want to perform more than anyone I know, but at the same time I feel a debilitating fear.  Before I moved I was getting cast in a ton of stuff that didn't pay.  And several directors asked me to stay and be in more of their shows.  But that obviously isn't the same as being wanted by a casting agent.  But then again, waiting tables isn't the same as living my dream. 

I am so glad the election is over.  I am not a fan of our new president but I am very interested in seeing if he can turn this country around.  What irritates me about him is that sooo many people are on the bandwagon with him and acting like frenzied fools.  My sis pointed out that people acted the same way over hitler.  I don't want to be taxed and I don't think that it is wealthy people's responsibility to bail out this nation.  Yes, they can afford to be taxed more, but they shouldn't have to be.  This doesn't affect me or my family, but I appreciate the values that America was founded on and the middle and upper class supporting a bunch of bottom feeders who won't pull their weight is the OPPOSITE of American.  I do believe in a small welfare program to support people who truly need it, but today's safety net catches too many people who don't truly qualify as needy.  If I can get out and bust my ass for a shitty salary then so can everyone else with health and a decent mind.  So there's my two cents, because Obama fans have certainly been imposing their views on me.  I miss the South.  

More later.  I want to start updating more often.  

Nothing's gone, but nothing's lasting

Today I went to see the Brooklyn Cyclones play a game at Coney Island.  (That's baseball for everyone like me who didn't know they existed before this morning.)  It was wonderful to sit in the sunlight for a few hours and I am so glad I got to see the amusement parks before they are closed down so big condos can go up instead.  I want to go back and actually ride some rides before its too late.  

I've been learning a gorgeous new song called How to Return Home and I really want to just sing it all day.  Instead I have been coughing all day.  I have a summer cold and I had forgotten how much they suck.  I feel awful all day long and the coughing is wrecking my vocal chords.  I really want to start taking some voice lessons.  I have to find a teacher or coach who is affordable.  I'm going to start asking around.  

My piano playing is getting so much better.  I'm actually able to accompany myself completely on 3 and 1/2 songs (the new song is about half way ready) now.  I have always made progress in a slow and steady methodical pace.  I just have to keep it up.  I really can do this.  

And last night at work I had only made about $50 and it was at least 11pm.  I was pretty depressed because I have had more than a couple crappy nights just like that.  Then the Bon Jovi concert in the park let out and we got SLAMMED around 11:30.  I finally got out around 3am and was utterly exhausted.  But that's not the point.  A girl I work with who is sort of my friend was there and was drinking a little.  We started chatting and she (in a really nice way) said "You are really tightly wound.  You need to relax a little."  I know that come across as really formal, especially at work.  It is not easy being introverted and shy on top of that.  I don't need people being afraid of offending me or whatever because they think I'm too delicate or proper to be fun.  I am not fragile or breakable (even though I am very sensitive) and I hate to feel like I am missing out or making anyone uncomfortable just because I am extra polite and a little quiet at work.  According to one of my favorite books called The Introvert Advantage, the author says that 75% of the world is extroverted and therefore set up to favor extroverts.  And the other 15% of us are too busy trying to get out of our own heads and appear "normal" so we can succeed in a world made for outgoing people.  What is so infuriating is that I really LOVE having a good time and hanging out with people but somehow my coworkers and tons of potential friends end up thinking that I am dull and probably a goody-goody as well.  But I'm not either of those things!  This has always been a problem in my social life, my professional networking, and my romantic life as well.  I can't count how many guys I've turned off because I seem too quiet and serious and--when I'm not really.   It appears that my archetypal patterns have followed me to New York.  I refuse to believe that my natural disposition (which I believe is actually an asset) can or will stop me from succeeding.  I'm just going to have to work that much harder than everyone else.  >^..^<

I wish I could begin my life as a wise old woman and grow younger instead of older.  I doubt myself and worry and stew and fret my time away almost daily.  My mother always says, "If you could only see how much time you waste worrying over insignificant things."  I know she is right.  If I had some ways to turn off my brain and just be impulsive without second guessing each move I make, I would do it.  I am like a hamster on a wheel and I'm so exhausted from my mind's pointless racing that I have no energy left to just be.  

A New Earth talks a little about how we screw ourselves up by assuming that our thoughts are correct.  Eckhart Tolle says that no situation is bad..it only IS.  Our perceptions of situations are what determine whether we are happy or sad.  So my perception of my life right now is one of intense loneliness.  The good news is I was just as lonely in North Carolina so I of course have no regrets about moving.  Up here I am just lonely--still.  I think I am trying to grasp onto other people to fix this feeling--but it doesn't work out the way I want it to, ever.  I know that what I really want, is somebody to love.  Every day I look in the mirror and I think Why Not Me?  And then I just pray that God will put someone in my life when He is ready...or when I am ready I suppose.  

My gloomy mood probably (okay definitely) has something to do with the fact that one of my dear friends is pregnant.  I am so happy for her but the little devil-cat on my shoulder is jealous, because she has a good life and someone to love and take care of her.  (I mean emotionally, not just financially).  My life is also good, but I am getting very tired of pulling myself up by my bootstraps every day.  Even when I have been in relationships in the past I have been the take-charge nurturer and even the breadwinner (and I'm totally POOR so its fucked up that I would ever categorize myself in such a way).  I just keep asking myself whether I am ever going to have a chance to be taken care of (in any regard whatsoever).  Am I doomed to let my capricorn nature control every aspect of my life?  

And here comes the onslaught of questions.  Will I get my baby or will I just watch my friends have babies?  Will I meet the love of my life or only watch those around me fall in love?  Will I get a freaking acting job (EVER??!) or just look on dumbfounded while everyone in my life works professionally?  I know that I am at the beginning of a very long road toward my professional and personal goals but I just wish I knew NOW whether or not I will ever reach (any of) them.  I have been investing in a seemingly phantom payoff for so long now that I feel like it is routine to pray and agonize but never to get an answer or any validation that I'm on the right track.  

I know I am only talking like this because I am lonely and I keep trying to connect with people who are just in a different place from me--and none of us can help where we are.  I'm sure that tomorrow I will be fine.  And now I'm going to try to give my heart and head a good rest.  Goodnight.  

Celebrity sighting number two, in less than a week.  My friend from college takes acting classes at a studio around Greenwich Village and she invited me to see a show her school's Ensemble was putting on.  The show itself was cramazing (thank you Title of Show) but what was crazier and even more amazing was the fact that Alec Baldwin was about four rows in front of us!!!  We made eye contact one time...probably mostly because he saw me staring at him.  But I don't care.  Once again I managed to act half-way normal at least, and for that I am very proud of myself.