I wish I could begin my life as a wise old woman and grow younger instead of older.  I doubt myself and worry and stew and fret my time away almost daily.  My mother always says, "If you could only see how much time you waste worrying over insignificant things."  I know she is right.  If I had some ways to turn off my brain and just be impulsive without second guessing each move I make, I would do it.  I am like a hamster on a wheel and I'm so exhausted from my mind's pointless racing that I have no energy left to just be.  

A New Earth talks a little about how we screw ourselves up by assuming that our thoughts are correct.  Eckhart Tolle says that no situation is bad..it only IS.  Our perceptions of situations are what determine whether we are happy or sad.  So my perception of my life right now is one of intense loneliness.  The good news is I was just as lonely in North Carolina so I of course have no regrets about moving.  Up here I am just lonely--still.  I think I am trying to grasp onto other people to fix this feeling--but it doesn't work out the way I want it to, ever.  I know that what I really want, is somebody to love.  Every day I look in the mirror and I think Why Not Me?  And then I just pray that God will put someone in my life when He is ready...or when I am ready I suppose.  

My gloomy mood probably (okay definitely) has something to do with the fact that one of my dear friends is pregnant.  I am so happy for her but the little devil-cat on my shoulder is jealous, because she has a good life and someone to love and take care of her.  (I mean emotionally, not just financially).  My life is also good, but I am getting very tired of pulling myself up by my bootstraps every day.  Even when I have been in relationships in the past I have been the take-charge nurturer and even the breadwinner (and I'm totally POOR so its fucked up that I would ever categorize myself in such a way).  I just keep asking myself whether I am ever going to have a chance to be taken care of (in any regard whatsoever).  Am I doomed to let my capricorn nature control every aspect of my life?  

And here comes the onslaught of questions.  Will I get my baby or will I just watch my friends have babies?  Will I meet the love of my life or only watch those around me fall in love?  Will I get a freaking acting job (EVER??!) or just look on dumbfounded while everyone in my life works professionally?  I know that I am at the beginning of a very long road toward my professional and personal goals but I just wish I knew NOW whether or not I will ever reach (any of) them.  I have been investing in a seemingly phantom payoff for so long now that I feel like it is routine to pray and agonize but never to get an answer or any validation that I'm on the right track.  

I know I am only talking like this because I am lonely and I keep trying to connect with people who are just in a different place from me--and none of us can help where we are.  I'm sure that tomorrow I will be fine.  And now I'm going to try to give my heart and head a good rest.  Goodnight.