citykitty

Two Years Musings

2010-05-26T17:12:00.000-07:00

My two year anniversary in the city is looming. On May 27th some 700 days ago I was trembling as I loaded up a U-Haul with clothes, my cat, and my piano. I realized that getting in that truck was about to create the biggest quantum leap thus far in my life. Come what may, I was about to open up a big ol' can of...something. I was afraid I might find out that my aspiration to move to New York had been just a silly naive pipe dream. I was terrified of failing at something so many people around me had done with ease. I was afraid that I couldn't survive without my family nearby. But I climbed on in anyway.

I can't say that I am where I thought I would be in my life right now. In a lot of ways I feel like I haven't accomplished much. I'm still single, still waiting tables, still poor at the end of the month. But in so many ways the world has offered up its treasures to me. I feel like I am learning to live a little better each day. I have good friends and a good relationship with God. Grateful is a good word to describe how I feel.

On the acting as a career front: I have been meeting with a fabulous vocal coach for 3 months. We are building my book. I have about four songs almost ready for auditions. I am getting used to singing in front of people without feeling like I'm going to faint or throw up. That's actually a pretty significant improvement.

On the love front: I'm in love with an actor. Shit.

2010-01-17T20:46:00.001-08:00

Just watched the Golden Globes. It's always a reality check when I see people in show business, and get to observe not only how carefree and glamorous their lives appear to be, but also how they too are just people who worked hard (or got lucky for some, I'm sure) and believed in themselves. Mostly, the people who won seemed to be confident and grateful.

I am sure I have written this before, but I just have to wonder why I have this limiting idea that if I believe in myself bad things will happen. Tonight Meryl Streep said that her mother was never one to entertain gloom and doom. It got me thinking even more about why I am fearful. Julia Cameron teaches in The Artist's Way that creatives sometime become blocked. The entire book in fact, is about how to release blocked creativity. I know that it is helping me, but the work is slow and hard. I show up every day and do the work though. I sit down at the piano even when I am having an off-day and can't seem to hit any of the correct notes. It is scary, and some days my efforts are less ambitious than they probably should be, but I am still there.

By the way, I was watching a pianist playing on YouTube a few months ago and I had a realization that may seem insignificant and obvious but it was a breakthrough for me. (Sometimes I think we know things in a practical way but never really apply it to ourselves) It hit me that pianists seldom actually look at the keys while they play. Now I knew this, but I also have never considered myself a serious piano player, and for about sixteen years I have spent way too much time pulling my eyes away from the music to second-guess my hand placement. It usually ended up with me losing my place, having to pause for a second, and thus slowing everything down. But when I saw this boy playing so differently from what I had always done, I decided that my technique of stopping and looking was just another manifestation of me not trusting myself.

For the past few months I have stopped looking down. I know where the notes are. They never once moved on me and my playing has become at least 75% better than it was only sixty days ago. Not only that, but my impulses are improving. I am starting to understand what is actually happening musically in most contemporary musical theatre songs. There are plenty of patterns emerging and it is magical to experience them as if they were new. (I'm reminded of a certain Rolling Stones song ;) )

And in other news I am having a friend take the long-anticipated headshots sometime in the next week. I have no idea what color to wear. Probably something blue or green.

2009-12-27T21:35:00.000-08:00

It is a sad blogger indeed who only logs in once a year. Oh well, I never was good at finishing small projects I that I start. I'm more of a "pursue the big picture" kind of Capricorn (however slowly). But then again, who's to say that this little account of my life in the big city isn't indeed part of the big picture. Maybe it's more important than I think--or will be some day. I probably need all the opportunities to be accountable to myself and anyone out there reading--that I can get.

So let me go ahead and make my excuses. The first half of my year kept me tangled up in a half-romance that I had no business being in. Let's just say that when I am hopeful and can see a possibility for love and joy, I dig in for the long-haul. Okay, to be honest, I'm just now glimpsing the light at the end of that dead end tunnel. But whatever, I'll survive.

The second half of the year I got very very sick and I am just now on the other side of an illness that I am sure I created. Hopefully I will get a good report card tomorrow when I get some test results back.

I've also been working at the same old job, but for the most part having a fabulous time surviving. Money is not good in New York. Not in the service industry anyway. Diners everywhere, be sure to tip your servers appropriately! We have bills to pay too--and hopefully something left over to see a show! :)

Speaking of shows, I've seen a few this year. Here's the list. Hair, Next To Normal (my friend's cousin is in that one), God of Carnage, Ragtime, and Oleanna. And of course I have to try to see A Little Night Music and see if CZJ is any good. I'm rooting for her!

So I just got back from Christmas and I spent a lazy five days letting things go. I am working on getting rid of what's not working in my life (and who's not working as well). This has been a long process that started a few months ago and I can see the fog clearing for the first time in years. There's no question that the small steps I'm taking are itty-bitty compared to some other people I know who seem to manifest their goals immediately. But each tip toe forward is for me, a huge victory.

My first audition and my first "type-out"

2008-12-08T18:08:00.000-08:00

I went to two auditions this week. The first was for a rock opera that is going to be directed by a professor from my college. I was really excited until I found out that over 800 people had requested audition slots. At that point it became more about just making it a successful first NYC audition (which I must admit I have been building up in my head for YEARS). All in all, it was successful--given my years of anticipation--but as an individual audition it was not my proudest moment. I feel like it was a success because I got through it without fainting. But it was a disappointment for me because I really wanted to impress my old director. He is so talented and inspiring and I really wanted him to see how far I have come on my own since college. But I froze up--for a number of reasons. I was relatively calm because I knew that with so many submissions I probably didn't have a chance. It took the pressure off. But just before I went in my friend from work who is also an actor showed up. She went in the room in front of me and did an amazing job. She sang "The Wizard and I" and she has a big voice so I was very intimidated. I had to follow her and when I went into the room I just got so nervous seeing the prof again. Aside from being brilliant he is also strikingly handsome. And I've never been one to keep my shit together around a hot man. The final factor aside from my nervousness was that the pianist totally ignored my tempo instructions and took off at double my tempo. I could barely keep up. So anyway I was relatively embarrassed and disappointed in myself on many levels. Needless to say I didn't get a callback, but at least I did something.

And today I went to the open call for Fiddler on the Roof and I got typed out before I could sing. I saw Dave Clemmons so I can finally put a face with the name I've heard so often. He was very nice and human and concerned with setting the actors at ease. It was very strange to be in a room full of Hodel and Chava hopefuls. So many girls were there (about 300) plus a handful of guys. The girls had so many different looks. I had my own ideas about who would and wouldn't be typed in. It barely crossed my mind that I may not have the right look for this production. I have long brown hair and some would say I have jewish-y bone structure. And I am short and slender. Well color me stupid. Dave barely gave me a second glance in our little 20 person line up. My friend who was in there with me (and who was sweet enough to sign me up when she arrived earlier than me) said she noticed the girls they kept were indeed petite but also had dark skin. Not much I can do about that. I have no regrets about showing up but it certainly is a waste of time and effort to wake up so early and not even get to sing. But it is far better than singing when the people behind the table already know you're not what they're looking for. So in 3 days I went on 2 auditions. I may go on another this Thursday. After Christmas there will be a lot of casting going on but for now there is a break. This will give me some time to absorb the things I've learned and regroup. All in all, I think this was a great experience and hopefully it will take the edge off my future auditions.

I went on a spending spree at Colony and bought the newest soprano and belter editions of the Musical Theatre Anthologies. They were pretty cha-ching. I also bought a Jessica Simpson book and a Natasha Beddingfield. They have some good ballads that I can use for my pop pieces. I went there for Carrie Underwood and Spring Awakening. I must have musical ADHD.

In other news my sister and company members from my job in NC came up to visit NYC for the holidays. It was a lot of fun and I got to catch up with my sister. I truly feel like we are soul mates and not just siblings. She is the only person I can tell almost anything to and she gets me. Needless to say it was very hard to say goodbye. But in two weeks I get to go home for Christmas. That will be a joy.

My roommates sound like hyenas right now. I don't know why some people find it funny to squeal and carry on like morons. They're not even drunk. Am I being weird by finding that weird and annoying? It's almost ten o'clock. It's QUIET time. At least to this granny right here.

2008-11-07T16:10:00.000-08:00

It has been a while since I updated. Tonight finally felt like the perfect time to do it so here I am, contemplating what to say about the past several months. My reclusive tendencies have taken over lately forcing me to stay far away from any kind of honest contemplation--so I have avoided, everything, it seems in attempts to not have to make any decisions or move forward. In other words, I've been stuck in a big mud hole and been pretty scarily comfortable there.

In August I had a major heartbreak that had been brewing for quite some time. I feel like I should be over the stages where anyone can break my heart after all the man traps I have fallen into, but somehow I let this one in too--not despite my better judgement. Maybe it was only a rebound, but I honestly and truly believed that this person was the one I had been waiting for.

I have met plenty of guys who thought I was good enough a good time (they cruelly led me to believe things were more serious than that of course). I believed that he was for real. Like marriage and babies and growing old together real--which is more than even my ex fiance ever offered me--because this heartbreak guy believed he meant every word he said to me. And I really believe that.

Regardless after much planning we arranged a visit (since his city is sliiiightly south of NYC) and he changed his mind about me. I am convinced that this happened the moment I bought a plane ticket. Some men can't let something be real once it actually becomes real apparently. So after a tense and awkward weekend during which I felt more unwelcome than I ever have before in my life, I lost the guy I thought loved me to a wall of silence. I found out that he started seriously dating a girl shortly after I flew back to the city and the rest is history. I confronted him of course in the form of a scathing letter. He replied in a writing a half-ass apology and they have been blissfully together ever since.

Anyway let me say for the record that I have made my peace with this guy (in my heart and in my head) but the whole episode plunged me into a vortex of depression that kept me stalled on any kind of growth for a while. Of course I pulled myself out eventually and the pain faded and then lifted away altogether eventually.

Then a month ago yesterday, I believe, a friend of mine died. Her name was Angela and we grew up together. I loved her dearly although we had lost touch. When a person dies suddenly you never remember the hard times (and we had hard times for sure). You only remember all the love you felt for them. This is why I believe that love is stronger than anger and the desire for revenge. I was close with Angela's sister and knowing that she and her parents were suffering made me sadder than I can put into words.

So I still have not auditioned since I have been here. I have done a student film that my roommate got me into and have a guy who is going to call me about laying down some vocals for some of his pop songs that he supposedly writes. I want to take voice lessons and I want to get new headshots, but first things first I want to actually WANT to audition. So far I am dreading the whole process. I am afraid of failing. I am afraid of being a waitress for the rest of my life. I am afraid that I'm not good enough. It physically hurts to say these things because they are reinforced so deeply in my psyche. Does the idea of auditioning really make other actors want to throw up or have a panic attack? I feel like I want to perform more than anyone I know, but at the same time I feel a debilitating fear. Before I moved I was getting cast in a ton of stuff that didn't pay. And several directors asked me to stay and be in more of their shows. But that obviously isn't the same as being wanted by a casting agent. But then again, waiting tables isn't the same as living my dream.

I am so glad the election is over. I am not a fan of our new president but I am very interested in seeing if he can turn this country around. What irritates me about him is that sooo many people are on the bandwagon with him and acting like frenzied fools. My sis pointed out that people acted the same way over hitler. I don't want to be taxed and I don't think that it is wealthy people's responsibility to bail out this nation. Yes, they can afford to be taxed more, but they shouldn't have to be. This doesn't affect me or my family, but I appreciate the values that America was founded on and the middle and upper class supporting a bunch of bottom feeders who won't pull their weight is the OPPOSITE of American. I do believe in a small welfare program to support people who truly need it, but today's safety net catches too many people who don't truly qualify as needy. If I can get out and bust my ass for a shitty salary then so can everyone else with health and a decent mind. So there's my two cents, because Obama fans have certainly been imposing their views on me. I miss the South.

More later. I want to start updating more often.

Nothing's gone, but nothing's lasting

2008-07-13T21:40:00.000-07:00

Today I went to see the Brooklyn Cyclones play a game at Coney Island. (That's baseball for everyone like me who didn't know they existed before this morning.) It was wonderful to sit in the sunlight for a few hours and I am so glad I got to see the amusement parks before they are closed down so big condos can go up instead. I want to go back and actually ride some rides before its too late.

I've been learning a gorgeous new song called How to Return Home and I really want to just sing it all day. Instead I have been coughing all day. I have a summer cold and I had forgotten how much they suck. I feel awful all day long and the coughing is wrecking my vocal chords. I really want to start taking some voice lessons. I have to find a teacher or coach who is affordable. I'm going to start asking around.

My piano playing is getting so much better. I'm actually able to accompany myself completely on 3 and 1/2 songs (the new song is about half way ready) now. I have always made progress in a slow and steady methodical pace. I just have to keep it up. I really can do this.

And last night at work I had only made about $50 and it was at least 11pm. I was pretty depressed because I have had more than a couple crappy nights just like that. Then the Bon Jovi concert in the park let out and we got SLAMMED around 11:30. I finally got out around 3am and was utterly exhausted. But that's not the point. A girl I work with who is sort of my friend was there and was drinking a little. We started chatting and she (in a really nice way) said "You are really tightly wound. You need to relax a little." I know that come across as really formal, especially at work. It is not easy being introverted and shy on top of that. I don't need people being afraid of offending me or whatever because they think I'm too delicate or proper to be fun. I am not fragile or breakable (even though I am very sensitive) and I hate to feel like I am missing out or making anyone uncomfortable just because I am extra polite and a little quiet at work. According to one of my favorite books called The Introvert Advantage, the author says that 75% of the world is extroverted and therefore set up to favor extroverts. And the other 15% of us are too busy trying to get out of our own heads and appear "normal" so we can succeed in a world made for outgoing people. What is so infuriating is that I really LOVE having a good time and hanging out with people but somehow my coworkers and tons of potential friends end up thinking that I am dull and probably a goody-goody as well. But I'm not either of those things! This has always been a problem in my social life, my professional networking, and my romantic life as well. I can't count how many guys I've turned off because I seem too quiet and serious and--when I'm not really. It appears that my archetypal patterns have followed me to New York. I refuse to believe that my natural disposition (which I believe is actually an asset) can or will stop me from succeeding. I'm just going to have to work that much harder than everyone else. >^..^<

2008-07-09T23:17:00.000-07:00

I wish I could begin my life as a wise old woman and grow younger instead of older. I doubt myself and worry and stew and fret my time away almost daily. My mother always says, "If you could only see how much time you waste worrying over insignificant things." I know she is right. If I had some ways to turn off my brain and just be impulsive without second guessing each move I make, I would do it. I am like a hamster on a wheel and I'm so exhausted from my mind's pointless racing that I have no energy left to just be.

A New Earth talks a little about how we screw ourselves up by assuming that our thoughts are correct. Eckhart Tolle says that no situation is bad..it only IS. Our perceptions of situations are what determine whether we are happy or sad. So my perception of my life right now is one of intense loneliness. The good news is I was just as lonely in North Carolina so I of course have no regrets about moving. Up here I am just lonely--still. I think I am trying to grasp onto other people to fix this feeling--but it doesn't work out the way I want it to, ever. I know that what I really want, is somebody to love. Every day I look in the mirror and I think Why Not Me? And then I just pray that God will put someone in my life when He is ready...or when I am ready I suppose.

My gloomy mood probably (okay definitely) has something to do with the fact that one of my dear friends is pregnant. I am so happy for her but the little devil-cat on my shoulder is jealous, because she has a good life and someone to love and take care of her. (I mean emotionally, not just financially). My life is also good, but I am getting very tired of pulling myself up by my bootstraps every day. Even when I have been in relationships in the past I have been the take-charge nurturer and even the breadwinner (and I'm totally POOR so its fucked up that I would ever categorize myself in such a way). I just keep asking myself whether I am ever going to have a chance to be taken care of (in any regard whatsoever). Am I doomed to let my capricorn nature control every aspect of my life?

And here comes the onslaught of questions. Will I get my baby or will I just watch my friends have babies? Will I meet the love of my life or only watch those around me fall in love? Will I get a freaking acting job (EVER??!) or just look on dumbfounded while everyone in my life works professionally? I know that I am at the beginning of a very long road toward my professional and personal goals but I just wish I knew NOW whether or not I will ever reach (any of) them. I have been investing in a seemingly phantom payoff for so long now that I feel like it is routine to pray and agonize but never to get an answer or any validation that I'm on the right track.

I know I am only talking like this because I am lonely and I keep trying to connect with people who are just in a different place from me--and none of us can help where we are. I'm sure that tomorrow I will be fine. And now I'm going to try to give my heart and head a good rest. Goodnight.

2008-06-25T20:21:00.000-07:00

Celebrity sighting number two, in less than a week. My friend from college takes acting classes at a studio around Greenwich Village and she invited me to see a show her school's Ensemble was putting on. The show itself was cramazing (thank you Title of Show) but what was crazier and even more amazing was the fact that Alec Baldwin was about four rows in front of us!!! We made eye contact one time...probably mostly because he saw me staring at him. But I don't care. Once again I managed to act half-way normal at least, and for that I am very proud of myself.

2008-06-25T07:46:00.001-07:00

A few days ago I saw my first celebrity here. I am proud to say I didn't behave like I may have if I'd seen him in any other city. Michael Emerson, aka Benjamin Linus (the "bad" guy) from Lost walked right past me on 86th street. This is a huge sighting for me, because LOST and The Office are the only reasons I even turn on a television.

For a split second as he approached I literally thought I was watching an episode and it seemed perfectly normal. As in, "Oh there's Benjamin--he just "moved" the island to save everyone on it." And then my jaw dropped open and I realized that I am in a city filled with famous people.

My roommate served Michael J. Fox a few weeks ago at his restaurant. So surreal.

In other news I had my first decent night at work. Unfortunately I also had a ten top of hateful and spoiled rich people. How do grown adults become that way? Its like they haven't evolved past the toddler stage where the universe revolves around them.

I bought my first Backstage two days ago and read it cover to cover. It was really inspiring and reminded me of why I'm here. Its hard to remember when I work all the time that I didn't move here to wait tables. And I've heard about this happening. Its so common to get here and be so panicked over paying the bills that all creative energy goes out the window for a while. I still get bursts of inspiration every day--but they're followed by a sense of hopelessness because SURPRISE, its time to get to work. Maybe if there were more hours in the day it would be feasible. Every day I am getting more organized and settled though so I know soon I will be able to handle work, life AND getting ready for theatre at the same time.

2008-06-17T20:20:00.000-07:00

Tonight is my last night in for a couple of nights and I am making the most of it by forcing myself to sit around and relax. I've worked three shifts at the restaurant now and despite the long hours (7-8 for a LUNCH) I think I like it there--we'll as much as I can like a serving position. I like the Upper East Side Clientele because, even though they are wayyyy bitchy they don't expect me to be chatty. In the south you didn't get tipped if you didn't perform for it and I hate that shit. Of course a rich cranky lady yelled at me today because her turkey club didn't come out fast enough. Who cares. I didn't take it personally at all, which is a big change for me.

Enough about work for now. The days and time are so funny up here. I can barely remember what I did yesterday and I have no idea at all what happened two days ago. The pace of the city is exhausting, but you only notice it if you slow down. I have been trying to read a book (which is normally my favorite thing to do) but I can't focus past two pages and I have to either put it down and do something else or I fall asleep. I hope I get the ability to concentrate again soon.

I have to start thinking about getting headshots up here. They are long overdue and I really can't go to any auditions until I take care of that. I am dreading it though, because it involves making the decision to cut my hair or leave it long. I want to leave it long, but once I take that picture I HAVE to leave it long. I really know my answer already though. It's so humid up here that I need to keep it long just so the weight will hold it all down.

I am trying to convince my family to come visit me in the fall. I have this wonderful fantasy of everyone (in laws too) getting a few rooms and staying for four or five days. My brother has never been to NY and it will be so exciting to be there when my nephew sees the city as well.

I am feeling so much better now about living up here. I may have already written about this, but for the first week or so I was so depressed I did almost nothing but sleep and cry. I remember the first morning I woke up here. I had just washed an entire box of dishes and I microwaved some grits because I was starving after having not eaten much the evening we actually moved in. When I took the first bite I realized I hadn't rinsed that particular dish well enough and my grits tasted faintly of detergent. I remember at the time this seeming somewhat normal, and in my lethargic stupor I just ate the lilac flavored grits. It is my sincere hope that I am never again so sad/scared/overwhelmed that I eat soapy food. I wasn't even sad exactly, just overpowered by the monumental change I had just made. Now that everything has sort of fallen into place I am beginning to enjoy the ride a little more. I don't feel so out of control now and the sense of dread was really just my mind doing what it does best--spiraling.

But anyway I am going to see if I can get into A New Earth now. It's nearly midnight so I will most likely just fall asleep. But that will be good too. :)

2008-06-08T11:03:00.000-07:00

I have been in the city for over a week. It is everything I imagined it would be and at the same time nearly everything is new and unexpected. So much has happened in such a condensed period of time that I can barely process it all--but I am here and I am for the most part very happy!

The actual move was partially great and partially awful. I stayed up all night while we rode up here. Bringing Angel (my cat and the CityKitty name-sake) up here was a huge undertaking. She stayed in her cage for about two hours and meowed the entire time until we finally let her out. She spent the rest of the trip either in the floorboard of the UHaul or in one of our laps--but at least she was content. At one point we lost her in the confines of the UHaul and I just KNEW that she had somehow escaped and was gone forever. Then we found her.

Getting into the city was chaotic. We got lost a lot and then dealing with the Broker and actually getting our keys was such a terrible and upsetting experience that I don't even want to think about it. Suffice it to say that brokers can be pure evil and we were forced to jump through hoops and pay additional money than we were told before we could move in. Then they prorated us because we moved in before the first (and we hadn't been warned about that--trust me, we would have waited the extra four days had we known).

But we moved in that evening. I am starting to like my neighborhood. The first several days I lived up here I was in culture shock and maybe shock in general too. I would frequently forget that I was in NY and not just another new apartment in NC. I was really depressed and overwhelmed as well. I wasn't sad I had moved, but it was like the magnitude of taking such a big step (when I've always been a baby-stepper) caused some fallout that I had to deal with. I was totally panicked and fearing that I'd made a huge mistake. Luckily I was bolstered by all the great people I met. I have met so many friends of my friends in the past few days and they are all awesome people. It was a very concrete example (at least for me) of providence. I just opened my arms to the universe and it gave me what I needed.

Speaking of which, I found a serving job in the 70s on the East Side. It was the second place I applied and I think I am going to like it a lot. Have I mentioned we don't have an AC yet? I don't know if our lease permits one, but I think we may not survive the summer without one. I think its 100 degrees today and I am in front of a fan and sweating bullets. I feel like riding the subway just so I can sit in a cool car.

By the way, I am totally proud of myself for learning the subway system as well as I have so far. I've only been lost once and I have used the trains a LOT since I moved.

I went to my first Kerrigan-Lowdermilk concert while I was here. I was so star struck. A really familiar looking girl came into the bathroom before the concert when I was in line and it turned out to be one of the cast members from Spring Awakening. Kate Shindle also sang and delivered a wonderful performance as always. I also saw a guy there in the audience and I am nearly certain he's one of the boys from The Battery's Down. It was so exciting.

And two nights ago I went to see Hamlet in the Park. I was excited about it but my roommate and I got lost on the trains and somehow ended up on the lower west side instead of 81st Street near the Theatre. When we finally arrived we decided to second act it since we didn't want to go in late. The second act was stellar, as I'm sure the first act was. I can definitely get used to free theatre.

start spreading the news...

2008-05-28T09:22:00.000-07:00

It is official. I am moving to New York! I leave tonight when my roommate gets here with the U-Haul and then we will drive all night to arrive in the city by morning. I haven't had much time to update lately, but I will when I get settled in. So much has happened. My apartment is a 3 bedroom walkup in Spanish Harlem. I am very excited and a little bit terrified. But here I go just the same. Wish us luck!

2008-05-22T08:02:00.000-07:00

I should know whether or not we have an apartment by the end of the day.

2008-05-19T11:42:00.001-07:00

I don't want to put the cart before the horse, but I think we are about to get an apartment. I just filled out an application and faxed it in to the broker we're working with. We should know in a day or so what is going to happen. I don't want to write about it yet, because I am superstitious. I'd like to say I'm above something so silly, but things have a way of blowing up in my face when I think things are going well. Once my name is on a lease, I will practically type a novel about it all.

Yesterday was the last day with the entire family, because next week my sister and nephew will be in Memphis. We all sat around most of the day talking and and discussing our various conspiracy theories regarding today's government. (We are all libertarians so obviously we complain and agonize over the current state of things a lot). After deciding to start hoarding away canned food for when the government collapses, we started talking about me leaving. It became a teary and touching scene that stuck with me all night long. After my sister and nephew left I watched the country music awards and started packing my bags. It's so overwhelming to pack up my life and I am nowhere near finished. Most of my possessions come with some sort of emotional attachment so it was difficult to pick up items and wonder if they should stay or go.

I keep thinking about how in the movie Almost Famous, Penny Lane told William that when they traveled to Morocco one day, they should wear different clothes and be different people. I sort of feel that way too. Obviously I won't change inherently, but my perception of who I am, I believe, will--because this is where I want to be. For the first time in my life I am going to a place I really want to be. I think that will make a difference.

2008-05-16T11:28:00.000-07:00

The show opened last night and it went really well. We got plenty of positive feed back even with a pretty small crowd. There were a few hitches out of the blue, but that always seems to happen on an opening night. My family is coming tonight. Jitters!

"To be is to do."--Plato

2008-05-14T12:31:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is opening night of The Fantasticks. I think it is going to go well, if I can just get enough sleep to still have energy at 8pm. For the most part, I think I am ready. Luisa is a tough role, but so are all the others in this show. And I know that adrenaline will get me a long way--adrenaline and remembering to BREATHE. Its strange but I actually sing higher notes better because I know that I have to have lots of support to punch out a high A. But a middle C is deceptive. I always think I can slack off on a note that is so comfortable to me, but then I hear myself becoming pitchy. Singing is not a job for the lazy--or the sleepy. Last night I got a horrible throbbing pain in my left ear and the lymph node on that side of my neck felt like a goose egg. I think it was somehow allergy related. I took some medicine and when I woke up this morning my ear felt better but I was stuffy. As of right now I feel fine. I hope I don't get sick.

My future roommate is on a train to NY right now and is going to ultimately make the decision on an apartment. He is working with a broker so we're going to have an enormous fee when its all said and done. I had a terrible dream last night that both the roommates (there are 3 of us) picked out a gorgeous, huge apartment for us. In the dream I went into my room and saw that someone had put a big bed in my room that I assumed was for me. Then I saw a smaller "trundle bed" in the corner and suddenly noticed that there were two strangers in the room with me. When I asked my two roommates who the hell these people were they said, "Oh, well rent was higher than we expected so we got two more roommates to live with you in your room." In my dream I started blessing them out and no matter how loud I yelled or what I did to express my anger everyone ignored me like I wasn't there. Hmmm. I think this dream was indicative of my (many) collective insecurities and fears. I woke up furious at my roommates even though it was a dream. Lucky for them, I decided to forgive them both for their fictional betrayal, heh.

It is amazing to me that in about three days time, I will know where I am going to be living in the city I have dreamed about living in for the past ten years. I know this won't seem like a huge accomplishment to a lot of people, but I have spent the majority of my life paralyzed by one kind of fear or another. I don't exactly know why I ended up so afraid and I don't suppose the reasons really matter. But this move to me is just as much symbolic as it is a soon-to-be literal action. I feel like I am finally climbing out of a quicksand pit. It doesn't really matter what happens to me after I get out of it--the important thing is that I am no longer sinking.

2008-05-12T10:51:00.001-07:00

The New York trip was amazing. So much happened in such a short period of time that I was a little overwhelmed, but it was nearly all good. I had a great time with my coworkers (including my sister who also works here) and I am truly going to be sad to leave them. We stayed at the Marriott in Times Square and had THE VIEW from our window. It was incredible to look out (from the 39th floor, eeek!) and see what the city really looks like from that high up. I had the best reuben sandwich of my entire life for lunch that day (Juniors, I think, was the name of the place) and then we all walked around for a while.
I have a friend who knows a lot of theatre people and thanks to him I ended up in the same room with the actor who played Batboy. It was like a celebrity sighting! I also came close to getting to meet an up and coming song writer I really admire (actually he is one-half of a new musical theatre team up there) but missed my chance because I couldn't find the right subway in time to make the rehearsal he would be conducting.

I of course suggested to the group that we go to Don't Tell Mama on Friday night and everyone really liked it. We happened to be sitting beside the producer of a summer rep theatre in CT and he gave me his card and told me to come audition next summer. He tried to get me to sing a song and my mind went blank. Suddenly I realized that I really don't know any appropriate b'way standards word for word. Or any other popular piano bar style song for that matter. I have spent the last 3 years cramming my head with contemporary theatre songs and unless I had chosen to rock out to something totally WRONG for a bar like "Climb Ev'ry Mountain" (which of course I do know by heart) I didn't see many options. I told him I was in The Fantasticks and he said, "Well sing Much More for me" I pointed out that it too might be a bit unusual for a bar at 2am but he insisted that it would be fine. So I scribbled it on a napkin, plopped it on the piano and ran to the bathroom to sober up and calm down a little (no way was that F coming with me tipsy). Well of course that's the one song that was NOT in the pianist's fake book. Oh well, we had a good time regardless and I still have the nice producer's card.

I also made time to visit my friend Kim from college. I literally had not seen her since our graduation day four years ago and she hasn't changed a bit! She lives Bay...(Ridge? I think), Brooklyn and so I journeyed to Brooklyn for the first time ever. It is a beautiful area. Kim has such an adult life. She married her boyfriend whom she met our senior year and has a stepdaughter who is the sweetest, most intelligent and polite child I've met in a long time. The last time I saw her she was three or four. We all had brunch and it was so great to see her.

It rained all day Friday so I had an opportunity to try out my new rain boots. I learned during a hurricane a few years ago that when it rains in New York, it rains from all directions, just like in Forest Gump. So I tromped around most of the day and was pleasantly surprised to be dry and comfy despite the downpour.

The most important aspect of this trip for me had nothing to do with an event but more with a general sense of personal peace and excitement. A small explanation: In 2006 and 2007 respectively, I always planned to move up to NY as soon as my leases ran out in the spring. Obviously this never materialized. I never managed to save up the huge amount of money I would need but most of all I stayed emotionally and mentally unprepared to move up. I would talk about moving and then promptly sabotage my plans in a number of ways. I was terrified of progress so I just stayed put--all too eager to sign another year's lease and put off what my soul wanted because my mind got caught up in the endless "what-ifs?".

Anyway, a big manifestation of the anxiety I was feeling always materialized when I visited NY. Although I was happy to be there for a few days, I always compared it to "when I am living here in a few months..." A sense of dread would immediately sink in and I would let the fear control me and my plans. But THIS trip was so different in every possible way. I felt exhilarated instead of drained and competent instead of lost...even though I did spend a good bit of my time this weekend lost! And throughout the 2 days I was there, a thousand little signs confirmed to me that I am ready.

One of the most poignant for me (or maybe the only one I can remember) was at Don't Tell Mama toward the 4am hour. A guy got up from the audience to sing a song, and I heard the familiar tinkling introduction of one of my all time-favorite Stephen Schwartz ballads, Corner of the Sky from Pippin. Now this song by itself is poignant enough but it has always resonated personally for me due to a scene in one of my favorite novels in which the main character sings this very song in a New York Piano bar (ahem Edward Zanni). I teared up a little and knew it was a confirmation that yes, I am ready to go.

Rivers belong where they can ramble,
Eagles belong where they can fly,
I've got to be where my spirit can run free,
Gotta find my corner of the sky

2008-05-07T12:38:00.000-07:00

It's time to start thinking about a job. I love the job I have now (the writing part anyway) but its not looking like I will be taking it with me when I move. So...what can I do for money in NY? I'm thinking maybe something at Conde Nast--nobody wants to work there, right? (hahaha). Seriously though, I believe it is totally possible for me to find something that I don't absolutely hate.
I fly to NY tomorrow with my work and I will try to look at some apartments the roommates have already located while I'm there. It will be my first time in Brooklyn. That will be interesting. I have nothing at all against Brooklyn, but I am very nervous about finding the right train, getting off at the right spot, not looking like a complete moron as I wander the streets in a disoriented panic. Okay I am spiralling. I will try to stop doing that. Thursday is going to be about fun so I am going to try not to worry about a thing until after that point. I am also excited to see one of my roommates from college who lives in..Bay Ridge, I believe. We are going to have a bite and take a walk around. I haven't seen her in four years! Wow, that feels unbelievable. Four years since graduation. Why didn't I move up sooner? I feel in my bones that I had to learn lots of lessons first. I was basically a child when I graduated. I am still so naive in many ways, but I have grown up a lot since then. I am ready to give it a go so I really can't regret waiting for the right time. And now I do believe it is here.

Playing it safe is just about the most dangerous thing a woman like you could do.

2008-05-06T12:28:00.000-07:00

The Fantasticks opens in a week. What a long journey its been. We finally moved into the performance space and the acoustics are awesome. Well, actually it's pretty echo-ey in there, but it is working in my favor. I thought I would never be able to fill a room that size with my presence and voice but somehow I am giving that big theatre a run for it's money! We start working with mics tonight so that should be interesting. Last night I only went up on one of my monologues (I have about five places in the show where I am still uncertain), and I think its not a terrible place to be right now. The music director as well as the choreographer--on two separate occasions--told me how good my voice is sounding now. I took the compliment and refused to consider that I sounded less than great at one point for them to say that. Actually the best compliment came when my "Mom" in the show (we cast mothers instead of fathers) told me she was having trouble hearing herself because "Matt" and I both have very big voices. I was thrilled. I've come along way from the day eight years ago when my acting teacher told me I was "just a scared little mouse". Now I'm probably more like a wombat. Seriously though, I feel like its improvement.
On Thursday I fly to NY with my boss, sister and other coworker. I am going to spend my time looking for a place to live--actually I'll be investigating some locations already scouted out by one of my future roommates. I will also hopefully get to hang out with some people from school while I'm up there. I was very productive this week on my moving to-do list. I took my cat to the vet for tranquilizers today (she is going to be terrified during the move), I requested a account-draft-change form for my new bank account, I asked a NY friend about Verizon's reception up there and then I renewed my contract with them and got a new phone, and I bought some stuff at Sephora--okay, that actually had nothing to do with the move but I am excited about it!
I had a minor (in the scheme of things) set back this weekend and did an awful lot of crying. I'm trying to move on and not let other people affect me so deeply. The good thing about the sadness though, was that it became a powerful catalyst for me. Screw the fear of writing, I started my book.

2008-04-29T10:26:00.000-07:00

I sent my work notice last night. An immediate sense of relief washed over me after I hit send. Everyone at work has been so supportive and excited for me. My coworkers keep saying how wonderful and rare it is that I am living my dream and I have to admit that it is extremely comforting. I don't exactly expect anyone to discourage me from leaving or anything, but the kind words definitely help to cancel out the voices in my own head that keep shouting about how hard its all going to be.

It looks like I am going to be flying up next week with the company. We have a meeting with an NYC client and I am going to use my spare time look for a place to live. Hopefully the roomie will be able to be up there looking around that same time and we can scout out a few places.

2008-04-23T11:56:00.001-07:00

After freaking out for weeks about my lost sheet music (and reluctantly reprinting most of it yesterday), I found my missing binder in the back seat of my car. I am ashamed that my car is actually messy enough to BURY a white 3 ring binder for over a month. But I am a busy gal. Until a few weeks ago I was staying in another town at least one night a week and rushing off to rehearsal after work generally every night. The weekends consisted of me flitting from one event to the next so there wasn't much time there to handle my housekeeping work inside much less clean out the car. I honestly think that if I needed to I could live out of it for a few days considering all the stuff I have in there. Clothes, shoes, yoga mat, cosmetics, glasses, hair stuff, makeup...its the girl scout in me. I want to be prepared.

Today I am meeting my dear Jamie for dinner in Greensboro at my second favorite restaurant El Carreton, and then we are going to see Rent. I think that this will be the 8th time I have seen it. It's not that I'm a Renthead or even that I don't think there's better stuff out there. Of course I was listening to it before it was the "cool" show to see and I still have a soft place in my heart for it now that it is considered overrated and cheesy (Wicked, you're next). When something is such great quality that even the masses who don't know anything about theatre like it, it falls out of grace in the eyes of theatre people and suddenly its lame. (Cats, Phantom I'm talking to you). At first I fell in love with Rent because it was so cutting edge and they said "fuck" on stage and talked about sex and complications and dying without trying to make it seem beautiful--so that made it beautiful. So I went to see it more than once. Then it caught on and I went to see it because it was convenient (with all the tours) and I wanted to bring friends who hadn't seen it and introduce them to something that had spoken to me so powerfully. And now I am pretty much seeing for nostalgic purposes. I am sure that a wave of "Geez, this is such great music, why haven't I been listening to it for the past few years?" will crash on me at the beginning and by the end I will be transported back to high school when I thought Seasons of Love was the most profound song ever written.

I think Jamie has only seen Rent once before (with me) so she already knows the music and the story. It will be wonderful to see her. I don't get to see my Greensboro friends nearly enough, but I keep up with Jamie better than any of them. We have the deepest connection out of everyone from the little group and we make time when others are a little too buried in work and family. And El Carreton..oh how I love it. I would have suggested Boba House to Jamie, but I don't think she's all too keen on vegetarian food. So Mexican is the next best thing. I was a sophomore, I believe when the restaurant opened and I still insist that I kept it in business during my college years. I was there about three times a week without fail. I am getting a big ol' margarita to drown my sorrows in.

So last night rehearsal sucked for me. I did really well on act one the night before, but yesterday we tackled act two off book. I stumbled through the entire thing and almost started crying during "round and round" (is that even the title of the song where I dance? It just occurred to me that I have no idea what any of the songs are called, ha.) I am singing too high, twirling too fast, and I don't know the monologues well enough to do them while trying to incorporate acting, dancing and the vocals. Its going to take some time.

The worst thing about last night though, was that on the way to rehearsal I witnessed a terrible car accident on the interstate. A truck ran off the road in the other lane and was skidding into the median (toward me incidentally). It stayed there for a second and then swerved back into the road, but it over corrected and went fishtailing into the guardrail where it flipped and slammed down upside down onto the metal railing. I think I went into shock, having never seen anything that violent before. Then came the tears. I was hysterical for the next thirty minutes or so. I didn't know what to do with the image and couldn't escape the fact that the driver was probably killed in front of my eyes. So I just prayed for his/her protection (if it wasn't too late) until I calmed down. That pretty much cast a pall over the rest of the evening. Yep.

Tomorrow we run the entire show, heaven help me.

2008-04-22T11:58:00.000-07:00

This weekend I must email my boss and tell her that I will be leaving in the near future. It would be phenomenal if she could offer me some free-lance work after I move. There are definitely some clients that I've been doing all the writing for, so I really see this as a possibility--but not a guarantee. I've been looking up NYC blogs and today I found one with photos of the city from a guy who lives at the Ditmars stop in Queens. Since I have personally visited this area, I would really love to end up living somewhere nearby. Or I would be happy with the Upper West Side. My roommates are leaning toward Brooklyn. That's fine too. I will literally be thrilled to be ANYWHERE in the area. My hope is that once I will make enough money to actually enjoy my life in New York rather than having to work 90 hours a week to survive. We shall see. I don't expect it to be easy at first, but hopefully I can settle within a year and learn the ropes up there enough to survive.

I seem to have lost a binder full of Kerrigan and Lowdermilk/Scott Alan music. I have searched my entire house and have no idea what happened to it. I still have the files in my email so hopefully I can just reprint them, but it is literally hundreds of dollars worth of music missing. To say nothing of the fact that these are wonderful songs that actually express how I feel about so much. Great songwriters say the words that I am unable to put into words (except on paper, I suppose--and even then its only in rare moments of clarity usually brought about by pain). Pain is a far superior vehicle for art compared to joy. Ha, I should have produced so much more work by now!

I will write my resume this weekend.

New Book Released Today

2008-04-22T08:36:00.001-07:00

Everyone go buy Attack of the Theatre People by Marc Acito today!

2008-04-21T07:31:00.000-07:00

My weekend ended up improving significantly after Thursday night. On Friday I went into my boss' office and cried my eyes out about my heartache. She really is a very kind and compassionate person. It was very comforting to talk to someone not in my family and have her reassure me that I am not in the wrong here.

In the past, my repeated pattern has always been to implode on myself whenever someone wrongs me. By implode, I mean that I internalize my suffering and never ever confront who has used me/wronged me/hurt me/whatever. I literally did not have the self-esteem inside of me to call anyone on his or her bullshit. But on my birthday this year, I faced a person who for nearly 9 years, had complete power over me. It was literally the hardest thing I have ever done to confront him and walk away. And a phoenix did rise out of the ashes of that confrontation. Suddenly my chronic nighttime arm/leg pain stopped. So did the panic and terror I would feel as insomnia set in. It is amazing what we allow our minds to do to our bodies.

The point is, that in the past four months, whenever I have needed to confront a person or stand up for myself, I have done it. I am proud to say that each time, I have kept my ego out of it, and been kind as I stood up for myself. I know that there is a difference between being standing in your personal power and lording that power over another person in a power trip.

I took my power back on Friday and I got what I wanted. My human heart is still sorrowful for yet another loss, but my spirit is satisfied and I can live with myself. On Thursday night I could feel my self worth sinking because I felt used and helpless. I still feel used, but no longer helpless. And though today, someone out there may think I am a bitch, he does not think that I am spineless. To me, that is what's important.

And I believe also that I am almost ready to begin a project that will hopefully give other people the conviction to love themselves enough to be stronger than they thought possible.

"in a relationship"

2008-04-17T22:00:00.000-07:00

Pain is a phenomenal thing. In its absence, you forget how it felt as it wracked your body and shuddered through your chakras in a domino affect. But when it returns, blazing with fresh oxygen to fuel it, especially when it is unexpected...you can't imagine life before the fingers and roots of heartache sink into your stomach and start twisting.

I normally don't write in the middle of a sobbing fit, but its 1am and I have no one and nothing to cry on, but myself and the toilet. I feel so utterly powerless this moment in time and I have no idea how to quench my thirst for revenge. I want to hurt a person who has wronged me just now. My human-ness is raging at me to do everything possible to hurt this person--who has rejected me in a careless manner. Rejection in the form of silence is the cruelest possible way to let go of another person, and throughout my life, silence is a recurring theme in my dismissals. Anyone can get out of jail free if he just shuts his fucking mouth and slinks away. Many times, as in this case, he is even rewarded for it! There is no need today for a thoughtful goodbye in romantic situations. There is no need for discomfort when utter avoidance and disregard are so enticing and echo for miles and miles. How can I demand an explanation from a person who is rewarded for terrible behavior with a sparkly new prize. (Might I mention that in this, and most situations, I am left with nothing but questions and a feeling of infinite helplessness.)

Short of driving to his city and banging on the front door demanding entrance and apology, what choice do I have but to pour water my smoldering psyche and try to stand again when I feel able? Why are men allowed to behave this way? Conquer and then keep marching to the next village!? And how do I ignore the resounding cadence "You were not enough. You were not enough." ? I shouldn't become unhinged each time this happens to me, but I swear to all that is good and holy, this type of unacceptable behavior continues to happen over and over!

And even more important than quieting my rage, how how how do I begin to calm my wounded heart? Please tell me how to soften the blow of disappointment, especially when that disappointment multiplies exponentially with each new betrayal. I feel like I could explode. My mind is burning and my heart is breaking. It's the same fucking song and dance it always is. And as usual my partner stepped over to the punch bowl and never came back. I have cried until my eyes are nearly puffed shut, I have vomited, my throat feels raw from sobs and I have to get through work tomorrow. I really hope I can get to sleep. I'm going to try now.

The Fantasticks etc.

2008-04-08T07:41:00.000-07:00

It is about time I talk a little bit about The Fantasticks. I am so excited about being Luisa, but it is happening at one of the most hectic periods of my life. This is my dream role and each time I am in rehearsal I find some amazing new nuance of the script. The script is pure poetry. It is probably the most beautifully written book I've ever read. Actually its a toss-up between this show and Marisol by Jose Rivera. That is one of the most powerful shows I have ever seen/read. I really need to read it again. Marisol is beautiful in a way that is totally opposite of The Fantasticks. It is the flip side of beauty, and that is what makes it even more true and beautiful. We did that show in college and it was one of my required "crew" shows. Every night it made me cry when Marisol started her final monologue, "I am killed instantly"...I am getting goosebumps just writing about it. I wish some group around here would perform it. I think some place in NC put it sometime in the last year, but I believe I had a show at the time.

Anyway, back to Luisa. I like her. She's an idiot in a lot of ways, but a likable idiot. And I don't know if I am just getting better with real roles (lets hope) or I can just relate to her naivete, but this character is coming very easy to me. Maybe its just that we have a great cast. At first I was a little skeptical with recasting the "fathers" as "mothers", but it is working out very well. They both sing very well in the ranges already written and its such a cute change in dynamics.

I am working on memorizing lines and as usual, I am behind. Looks like I'll be resorting to my old note-card methods. That always works for me in the end. I am going to enjoy working with our Matt. He does everything very "big" but I think I need that to help me rise to the same level. Doing Godspell taught me a lot about big physicality. It is paying off for me now.

Oh, and I am thrilled to announce that now that the flu is totally out of my system, I am doing a lot better with the songs. I think once I am off book I will find a lot more confidence with the songs. My only complaint with the rehearsal process is that all rehearsals are full cast, so when we're working a scene for the first time, we have a 5 person audience. Its a little distracting and nerve-wracking, but I still know its good for me.

I went to the beach this weekend and it was okay. My family bickered--myself included.

And I can't WAIT to have some time off from rehearsal (Wednesday night) because I ordered two new Kerrigan & Lowdermilk songs. YAY for flats. One of the songs is a girl duet (Freedom) and I am trying to think of a girl around here to sing it with me, just for fun. I think I'll have to wait on that one. The other song is one I've never heard, but apparently Kate Shindle covered it. I need to hear a song before I can play it since I play more by ear, but from what I could sightread, it sounds very pretty. I am needing them to do another demo with their newer stuff. Aside from wanting to learn the songs, I just enjoy the music in general. OH, speaking of which, I could not be more excited about Scott Alan talking about putting out a new CD. I will be first in line.

more rant

2008-04-03T11:32:00.000-07:00

I am back. After an hour or so of making the calls I actually feel a little better. So far, no one has been hateful to me. There are so many things running through my head right now that I just had to stop and write though. Prepare for a lengthy stream of consciousness.
I have spent the last three years visualising my future so that I could change my reality. I am light years away from where I was just after college. I was so negative that I was constantly mired in misery-muck. One insignificant little thing could throw off my entire day. I'm not saying I'm that much better now at dealing with life's little annoyances--I'm definitely still a slave to them when they happen to a degree, but it seems that less bad things happen when you co-create your reality to look the way you wish it did.
My old roommate just moved back to our hometown and I'm not sure how I feel about it. We haven't spoken since we left our apartment and prior to the move out in late July, we hadn't really talked or even communicated at all for at least 5 months. She was a very antisocial person, who wouldn't let anyone in except her family and a few very old friends from high school. She made me look like an extrovert, if that tells you anything. I made an effort to be her friend for a year and a half. I liked her as a person just fine except for the fact that she was disrespectful of my food, alcohol (when I had some, that is), and with housecleaning. I'll be the first to admit, I am a little sloppy, but I always tried to keep the clutter only in my room--my space. The thing that hurt my feelings was that one day, out of nowhere, she simply stopped coming out of her room. I know this is only one side of a two-sided story, but to this day, I have no idea what happened. She just stopped being a friend and became a ghost that shared the apartment. She hated my cat--that much was clear, and the shutout started shortly after I adopted kitty. (And by the way, she said she wanted a cat and even entertained the idea of adopting one herself). So when I left, she stayed in our old city and got an apartment. Her updates on her web page just praised the virtues of living alone, which was an indirect slap in the face to anyone who lived with her prior, in my humble opinion. Oh, and during this time she was in the process of having a many-monthed-mental breakdown, that much I WAS able to gather. So now I have learned that she's back in town. I suppose the point of all of this, is that I wish I had the balls to confront her and tell her that sharing a place with her wasn't exactly a walk in the park for me as well. I had to put up with her self-destructive tendencies and acute solitude. Believe me, the last thing I needed was a person more awkward than myself! And it also saddens me, on a bigger level that through this all, she has a sister just a few years apart from her, with which she can bond and spend time with and my sister, whom I work with, barely has time to even chat with me in between projects. Why do some people have a huge safety net of friends/family? I don't have one single friend that I can call when something hilarious or painful or whatever happens to me. I don't mean that I don't have friends, I do! BUT they are all married or at least almost engaged/engaged and are pretty absorbed in their own lives. I would be SHOCKED if one of them called me just to shoot the breeze. So when something goes wrong in my life, who do I have to pick me up? Not a damn person. I guess it all comes down to jealousy and self pity. I am surrounded it seems, by people who have never had to pick themselves up off the floor--while it is all I have ever known.
So I guess I had better be thinking about finding a new job now. Here's what I have experience doing: waiting tables, folding clothes, pitching media, copy writing, landscaping, babysitting. (In no particular order, obviously). Oh, and theatre. My anchor. I have to find a way to make enough money to live while still having the creative energy to write music, get better at singing/acting/dancing and audition. I know people in NY right now who only wait tables a few days a week and have plenty more time to LIVE. Somehow I have to find a way to not exhaust myself with my job so I can do my work. Speaking of a job, I have to get back to the phone now. The hell continues...but not for long.

please stop the clock

2008-03-25T12:52:00.000-07:00

An acquaintance of mine (an old roommate actually) just got new headshots and they are FABULOUS. I like my current (old) headshots just fine until I see how dated they really do appear next to the gorgeous color shots everyone is switching over to. I'm trying to be objective when I look at my four-year old shots. I think I look exactly the same age-wise now as I did then. With the exception of a few more gray hairs (sigh, I've had them since 22...well that's when I discovered them actually.) and the fact that my hair is a little longer now than in the photos, its still me.
But, since NY is all about the color photo now, I think my B&W are just about done-for. What a shame, I only used about a hundred. Thats what happens when you go on about 3 professional auditions a year.

I have been all about anti-aging lately. It is scary moving up so far behind the other actors who were off like a shot after college. Somehow I thought it would be better to wait. I woulnd't make the same decision if I could redo it. Still, I am playing a 16 year old right now, and I want to hold on to that bracket as long as I can. To my horror, when I wake up in the morning, my sleep lines don't fade as quickly as they once did. Try as I might to fall asleep on my back, morning after morning I awake flat on my face--and it feels so good! So out of necessity, I have become vigilant about moisturizer, eye cream and a night time regenerator. This is about stopping the clock right here and now.

With new headshots comes the big question. Hair: to cut or not to cut? I have had long hair my whole life and thanks to the curls it looks pretty good. I am certain that it adds to my typecasting (wide-eyed innocent over and over) and I know that one day I want to make the cut, but not yet. I might go a bit darker though. According to my mom, my hair is the exact same shade of Auburn as Daddy's was when she met him. It's gone from dark brown to red-ish. I like it, but I can't fight the grays. So to the bottle I go. I only use the semi-permanent stuff--no ammonia for this girl...yet.

2008-03-24T13:05:00.000-07:00

I am off tonight for the third Fantasticks rehearsal. I think I am going to enjoy this. We have had one read through and one music rehearsal so far. During my music rehearsal I went over about four songs and it became obvious that I was/am still sick. I have always had issues getting over colds and stuff and the flu really knocked me out this year. As I sang I kept getting choked on the stuff in the back of my throat. It was obvious to everyone, especially Marie who I have worked with on several shows that something was wrong. I went to the doctor and now I am taking zpak for a sinus infection plus allegra and another antihistamine. Hopefully tonight will go a little smoother.

I met most of the cast the other night. Not sure how I feel about this, but the director has cast the "fathers" as "mothers" instead. I assume there was a shortage of male auditionees. Not surprising at all. Where are all the men? (A question I ask in all areas of my life). Regardless I think the nontraditional casting should work out just fine. I can't wait to hear everyone sing. So far my rehearsals have only included El Gallo and Matt--both awesome.

I am really freaking out. If all goes as planned, I will be moving away the week after the show ends, which means that between now and then I have to help my roommates find an apartment, pack, get a new bank account, say goodbye to my friends and family and start the job hunt. holy. shit. I have been dreaming of this move for four years. You would think I would have a stronger sense of adventure and not so much dread. I think I have worked moving to NY up in my head so much that I feel like its much more difficult than it really is. I just know that it is something I have to do. For today I am just going to go to rehearsal and learn all I can. Really that is all I can ever do. I don't believe that I was meant to be a "scared little mouse" as a thoughtlessly cruel acting professor once dubbed me. Self-fulfilling prophecies are not written in stone, after all. We shall see.

2008-03-17T13:10:00.001-07:00

We closed the show yesterday and it was a bittersweet occasion. I felt sad/happy, as last shows usually make me. Its just exhausting to work full time and then do theatre on the side. Those paid actors definitely have the right idea, hehe--I'm gonna have to look into that. So anyway, I made some wonderful friends in the experience and got to know some people that I would have never imagined getting along with before. I know that I will be keeping in touch with at least some of the cast. And I couldn't have been more excited yesterday just before strike when Ingrid, a fabulous cast mate asked me to go with her and some of her friends to the Bon Jovi concert last night!! So not only did I get to see my first big rocker obsession, but I also got to leave strike early! And by the way, the concert was fabulous. JBJ sang "Hallelujah" for one of his encore songs and it was g o r g e o u s. (And I totally recognized which song it was a measure into the beginning!) We got to Greensboro 45 minutes before the concert was to start and sat in awful traffic until almost an hour after it had started. I don't think that even Aerosmith caused such a stir when they came to town. We ended up having to park about half a mile away. We spotted a limo that had just dropped off its people and Ingrid, being the extrovert that she was ran up and asked him to give us a ride. So for about twenty-five bucks, we got to arrive in style. Too bad that we were so late, because we missed Chris Daughtry. I wasn't disappointed, because I thought he kind of sucked on Idol and got by on his look and his "edge". I was wrong. He came out and sang a song with JBJ--and I can't remember which song but of course it was a big JBJ hit. Chris has been working, cause boy can sing now! He was amazing--and totally hot too. I think he's gotten bigger since he got famous. Unlimited time to work out instead of just work will do that for ya.

So anyway today I have a movie audition at School of the Arts. I have no idea what its about except for what little I can gather from the sides I was sent. So it should be interesting. The good news is that I'm not a bit nervous. I don't usually do well on film. I think I have a complex from my acting for the camera class in college. Back in my [even] shy-er days, I set a precedent for terrible acting, unnatural posture and bad choices on film. I hated being there, hated feeling so inferior to my talented peers, and hated that I didn't know how to stop the mental tailspin I had fallen into. Luckily, none of them will be there today!! Yessss.

I always think to myself how different my life would be if I could go to college NOW, at my current age and confidence level. I think everything would look very different to me. I would no longer be [as] threatened by loud boisterous actors all struggling for the spotlight. Instead I would probably think, "Well, theatre draws that kind of person. Don't worry about them, they're not working against you. They're just working for themselves." Still I don't feel like I really wasted my education because of my timidity. It's just where I was--and where I still am, to a degree. Hopefully when I do reach my goals, I will be able to do so with a degree of sensitivity that I gained from simply being a wallflower in a room of buzzing bees. Not that there is anything wrong with the bees. (Where would the flowers be without them after all?)

Back to the film audition today. I am one of hundred auditioning I am sure. What the hell should I be afraid of? To quote Jack Dawson in Titantic, "When you got nothin' you go nothin' to lose." Teehee. (Oh to be 16 and in love with Leo again....or not.)

And tomorrow I start rehearsals for The Fantasticks. Well, I have come full circle. When I graduated from college my first big audition was for Luisa and I didn't get it. The director saw me later at an audition for something else and told me I just didn't look 16 to him. I am pretty sure, that I don't now either. Still, I am very excited about this next project. More info to come...

2008-03-03T11:47:00.001-08:00

Godspell opened on Friday night. We had a relatively small crowd (around 100 people I would guess) and they were mostly senior citizens. So obviously it was a pretty stoic audience, but oh well. We got through the show with no major hitches. The biggest problem was an obvious lag in energy that the entire cast felt, but no one quite knew how to handle. I don't want to make excuses, but we were sooooo exhausted by that point that everyone just wanted to get through it. I was busting my ass on dancing and singing, but as far as the "acting" went, I was just phoning it in. Our director explained to the cast (and I had never thought of it quite this way), that since we spend so much time just listening to Jesus, that we should keep an inner monologue firing internally and that it will manifest in our expressions and body language. I definitely worked the internal stuff on Saturday night though.

My mother and her best friend came to the show on Saturday and that gave me an extra burst of energy. Well, that and the fact that I stayed in bed most of the day on Saturday. I have my voice back finally, but I have also caught one helluva head cold. I haven't had working nostrils in four days and I sound all clogged up when I talk. Nonetheless, on Saturday night our performance was nothing short of explosive. We got it all right during that show. And the audience was relatively quiet, but they loved us. At intermission when the audience comes on stage they raved to us about how much they enjoyed it. And after the show 3 little girls stopped me for an autograph. I felt like a superstar! Nah, but seriously it took me 15 minutes to get out of the theatre because people kept stopping me to tell me how much they enjoyed the show, so we must be doing something right. And I will be the first to admit that the script for this show kind of sucks. I mean, it is the words of Christ and all, but the delivery of the message is a little too "silly" for me. Still I think we are capable of delivering a really powerful message--I just personally prefer a more serious style.
And now I have 3 glorious days off to relax and rest up. I am going to try to be completely healthy by the time we start up again on Thursday.

Oh! And the next episode of The Battery's Down dropped on Friday night and it is amazing. I am stumped though: Is Jake Wilson straight or gay? His character appears to be straight, but who knows. I don't wanna go and get a talent-crush on him if he's got a boyfriend, hehe. But regardless, I am hooked. Oh, but I am sad because the episode was centered around Ellen's Stardust Diner and now that it has been put on the map (it was already popular among theatre-folk, I know, I know), it's going to be that much harder for me to get hired there in a couple months!

This is your life...

2008-02-20T12:59:00.000-08:00

I have been unable to talk for four days now. This is seriously starting to worry me. I've never had laryngitis before, so thats scary enough, but the show opens in a week and two days. I am confident that I will recover by that point, but its not as if I am overrehearsed at this point. I could USE the ability to talk and sing each night as we work the show. Tonight we will be working my song, which should be interesting to say the least.

I am getting really excited about the move. The roommate and I have been playing phone/text tag for two days now. It turns out we will have a third roommate to help split the bills up, which should lower the cost just a bit. Right now its looking like rent will be about 2K for a 3BR apartment. I don't know much about the 3rd roomie, except that he is a musician too. Hopefully I will have plenty of people to go to for pointers on all things musical. Collectively we all sing and play the piano, alto sax, guitar, and flute (and who knows what else!). Well, actually I am only learning the flute, I use the word play loosely.

I just have to take a moment to plug my new favorite internet tv show, The Battery's Down. I can't get enough of it. Very few people in the community theatre know about this awesome project at this point (well, I am sure plenty of people in NY know about it, but in NC we're a little behind the times), but soon it is going to EXPLODE. I'm reading The Tipping Point and The Battery's Down has all the key ingredients to becoming a phenomenon.

So let me enlighten anyone who may read this and hasn't heard yet. The Battery's Down is a theatre-based TV show that drops on YouTube at the first of every month. It was created by and stars Jake Wilson, an adorable recent UMich grad. He plays what else but an actor trying to make it in NY. Aside from the celebrity cameos (jonathan groff por ejemplo) its amazing because it features original full-out crazy song and dance numbers and features all my favorite actor people: AKB, Pasek and Paul (who do at least some of the music)...I am getting excited just writing about it. And its not just them. There are about 30 kids in the video singing and dancing all over NY and when I say singing and dancing I mean it in the triple-threat sense. The second video drops on March 1st and I can't hardly wait!

In other news the revival of Company was filmed and is showing tonight on PBS, though apparently its not airing in NC for some reason. My friend who was an understudy for some of the principals says that they are having a Q and A in NY tonight after the screening event.

Sometimes when I see photos on Broadway.com etc of all the "somebodys" out there, it just makes me ache to be one of them. I'm well aware that I am not the first person to experience this kind of yearning but I want to be a part of that world so much. (no ariel pun intended, but it still works!) The good thing about the artist community is that it for the most part supports wide-eyed hopefuls in their dreams.

Well back to work. Say a prayer that I can get my voice back asap.

flu

2008-02-18T07:27:00.000-08:00

I caught the flu from a girl at work and it has knocked me out for the past four days. I had to miss my friend Jess' wedding, which I had greatly been looking forward to for some time. I had a really gorgeous dress to wear too. Of course she is a huge fan of showtunes and was going to incorporate them into the ceremony and reception so it is natural that the forces that be would force me to miss it. Oh, and it was in a castle. And it would have been my first nighttime wedding. I really should have known something would get in the way. I also had to miss the "getting to know you" cast party we had yesterday, plus a rehearsal. Since everyone in Godspell is on stage for the entire show there has been zero time to bond during rehearsals so David scheduled this shindig so we could all talk without getting shushed. I was looking forward to it, so it is no surprise that it too fell under my fever.

We open in about a week and a half. yikes.

hap hits

2008-01-28T11:31:00.000-08:00

We've had a week of Godspell rehearsals and we are on our way. I have been really concerned about several things so far--namely that the director has not yet cast a Jesus or a "Herb" character. Now, I am thinking that Jesus is a pretty important role, so I totally understand the director holding out for a great person. She invited one person to do the role but apparently he turned it down. And the guy she wanted to do "Herb" had done that role once before and wanted to be Jesus instead of repeating the same role. So after all the drama (pun intended) with Into the Woods and its eventual demise, I have been just imagining the worst: Could this show be the first show in the history of the theatre to be cancelled due to a lack of a Jesus? What if NO ONE in a 30 mile radius shows up. What if we finally get someone and he sucks?

Yesterday I learned that we might have a Jesus so we may be almost out of the woods. Now, for the second worry: The comedy in Godspell sort of sucks. This show has material that may not have even been funny 30 years ago when it came out. Furthermore, the humor is meant to be done by balls to the walls comedic actors who are totally uninhibited and free. GREAT actors can pull it off and make it entertaining. GOOD actors can probably get the point across but it might be a stretch. You can see where a cast of relatively inexperienced actors could totally eff it up. And I am the first person to admit that I'm not naturally funny. Comedy is HARD and I know that my inhibitions squelch any comedic impulses I might have. There are 3 teenagers in the cast and they still haven't learned that comedy is not about "being funny". Its about timing, subtlety and total commitment to your objectives, AND finding truth even in the absurd. Our director is good though. I think she can pull it out of us. My one complaint with her would have to be that she gives us vague directions and then says "GO". I understand that she is trying to spark organic impulses in us, but I think we first have to rise to a higher level of trust and find our instincts. I know that when anyone tells me "don't think, just do" I shut down. Unless I am totally comfortable I need time to work out my choices in my head. This is what I need to work on.
Tonight we will have a cast member join us for the first time. She has been cast since the beginning but has been away on a mission trip. I have great expectations for her. I have to say, we sound great vocal-wise and thus far all of our music rehearsals have consisted of 3 men and 4 girls. And some of these songs are pretty tricky. I am singing soprano with one other girl and this is the smallest group I've ever worked with. Normally there's a whole gaggle of sopranos and I can comfortably blend in. I am glad that now I have an opportunity to be forced to contribute and be heard. It's a scary and exciting feeling.

I ordered two new Cd's from CD Baby.com and they arrived a week ago. I have fallen in love with Scot Alan's music. I highly recommend everyone interested in musical theatre check him out because he is going to be HUGE. His CD is called Dreaming Wide Awake and every song is brilliant in its own way. And it is packed with big names singing his songs: Eden, Shoshana, Stephanie Bloch, Jonathan Groff, Cheyenne Jackson, Liz Calloway, Carly Jibson. I would die from excitement if one of them sang something I wrote. His writing is very sincere, beautiful and inspiring.

The other CD I ordered belongs to Gavin Creel, the hottie from Mary Poppins. It is definitely more pop-y than showtuney but still great. I haven't listened to the whole album yet--I'm so addicted to Dreaming Wide Awake that I keep going back to it so I can hear Eden busting out F's in "I'm a Star". I'm reading a book about introverts and it talks about how people get "hap hits" (happiness) from various sources that change their brain chemistry. No question here. My hap hits come almost exclusively from music, particularly musical theatre songs. I have thought to myself several times that I can only hope that music (and books too) exists in heaven. If not, I'm just going to have to live forever.

Godspell

2008-01-18T11:28:00.000-08:00

Into the Woods has been cancelled. We lost our venue and while the director I am sure worked very hard to find a new space along with funding for the rights and the equiptment, not to mention maintaining the cast, it just couldn't be saved. Sigh. Baker's Wife I am no more. The show has actually only been "pushed back at least six months" but that doesn't work for me since I will probably (hopefully) be gone by then.
Now for the good news. I found out today I got cast in Godspell here in Hickory. I will be playing the part of Peggy, which means little to me except that I will be singing "By My Side". Since I don't know the show very well I looked it up on Wikipedia and apparently I play the prostitute that causes Jesus to give the "throw the first stone" lecture. I've only heard my song a few times but I can already tell that it is going to be really hard. It is made for an alto or mezzo and consists mainly of very low, long, rich notes. I am definitely not known for my lung power so maybe this will be a great experiment in (humiliation) testing my limits. Rehearsals start on Monday. Since I am already in town for work I will have about two hours to kill each night before rehearsal begins. I forsee alot of browsing at Target in my future. Yessss!

9 and 10

2008-01-09T07:22:00.001-08:00

I've been thinking a lot about motivation and censorship lately. I am all for writers writing (actors acting) without fear of scrutiny from others, but ridicule is such a damn real thing. It's palpable--to me anyway. I struggle with so many questions when I think about creating something, anything really. Why do people write? Is it for themselves or for others? How much ego should be involved? If we are writing only for ourselves why not just journal and hide it under our mattresses? Do I want to share my work because I need that validation or do I want to attempt to give insight to another human? And is my insight really worth anything to someone other than me and maybe my mother and sister?

I have always felt that this flock of questions is what holds me back from everything I want to accomplish. Its like I am afraid that if I show any confidence in myself whatsoever, others will think me arrogant, self centered and hopelessly ignorant for supposing I have anything to contribute. While I know that everyone is caught up in their own lives and probably couldn't care less about what I have to say, I still agonize over each thing I do for fear that it is the wrong thing.

Its amazing to me that with all the billions of people that have walked the earth before us, somehow our current population is still making new art that is relevant and good and seemingly original. But my fear is that everything I do will have been done before--and that it will be seen derivative and pretentious. In my poetry class in college I wrote a poem about my father's death. It was from my heart and dripping with sorrow. Looking back now I know that it was probably too sappy for a jaded college audience (afterall 22 year olds already know everything about life, don't they?) A girl in my class announced that she thought my poem was too "precious". Six months ago the same girl had a hit play off-broadway. I guess I should have listened to her, ha. I will admit that my earlier writing is a little sentimental for most people. But I had to come from somewhere--thats the place I was coming from. I wonder why anger and intensity are so in demand today in art. Believe me I have enough of those things inside of me to fill an ocean, but I really feel that hope is a more powerful tool. Maybe that's just where I am in my life today.

What I should do is just shut up and write, sing, dance whatever. Now with this cocaphany of ramblings out of the way, I am going to try just that. Daddy died nine years ago today. Tommorow is my nephew's fifth birthday. What I believe now is that life is about hope. I can sit in a dark room today and let sadness and fear suffocate me. Or I can say a prayer of gratitude for the child in my family who was born the day after the worst day of my life. It has taken almost a decade to arrive at a place where tommorow is more important than today. And now that I am here I finally see the dim path ahead of me.

2008-01-07T07:45:00.000-08:00

Over the weekend my friend Jamie and I saw the Spelling Bee in Raleigh. It was her first time seeing the show and my second time. As I expected, it really delivered. It was pure luck that I discovered that they were in NC at all. I have been following Andrew Keenan Bolger's cute video blog for about three months now--he's playing Leaf Coneybear and is adorable in the role--but it never occurred to me to check the tour schedule. Somehow it all worked out and the show once again just amazed me. I wanted to stay afterward and meet AKB but I decided that might be a little bit pathetic--although I have waited outside many a Broadway side-door to get some autographs in my time. I would rather meet him one day as a colleague.
Why the healthy obsession with AKB you may wonder? Several reasons. The most obvious he is Celia's little brother and I admire Celia's amazing voice and stage presence (her understudy was playing Olive when I saw the Bee in NY, drat it.) But also his own talent--the boy can dance and is a very free performer, although I am fully aware of the work involved in appearing natural and at ease on stage--there's a world of thought behind it. The biggest reason however is that my hobby for the past year has been looking up the amazing Musical Theatre Majors from U of M on youtube--and then regretting that I didn't attend/try to attend/know that the school existed at all until recently. I spent the afternoon yesterday watching the U of M kids dancing videos. The "Wind it Up" video is particularly awesome.

Back to The Bee. I am thinking that I might be a good Logan. Of course I want to be Olive and I think I physically resemble an Olive more than a Logan, but I think a light soprano might be better suited in a comedic role that isn't expected to belt out the I Love You Song. My belt is on it's way but still not exactly where it needs to be. Besides I would love doing Logan's lisp.

Back to work.

2008-01-04T11:10:00.000-08:00

And thus begins my journey to the center of the earth. Manhattan that is--the axis of my universe despite the fact that as I type this today I am sitting in an office in tiny-dot-on-the-map Hickory, North Carolina. If you were to draw an imaginary line between this desk and the glittering streets of New York, I am sure that the line itself would be the only connection (be it ever so metaphorical) that has ever linked these two polar locales. Maybe not Hickory so much--which is the premier burgeoning metropolitan area of the foothills, and boasts an upper crust of people with old money from when it actually manufactured furniture-- but it definitely hits home for the community from which I hail, called Sherrills Ford.

I feel at times, like the strangest person I know in my town. I am a twenty-six year old single woman. By Sherrills Ford standards this makes me either an old maid or a lesbian--or an old maid lesbian. Because I consider myself neither I am an anomaly around here. All of my friends from home have settled down and married, or are waiting for the ring. Some have children. At church every Sunday I get asked the obvious questions, "Why aren't you married yet?" and the even trickier "What are you doing now?" If I knew either answer, or at least the answer they are looking for, well...that would be a starting point at least.

I have been living at home, back with my mother since the end of July and it has really been a wonderful experience. My family has been good to me and I have been able to connect with old friends in new ways. It is very hard not to get sucked into the small-town bubble. A strong part of me wants to live here forever despite the fact that I resent the quiet lifestyle even as I indulge in it. But I know deep down that the courageous part of my heart (a part that has been safely buried most of my life) wants out.

So.

I am moving. I have struggled between my opposing desires since I graduated in 2004. I have seen four years of graduating seniors light out of North Carolina like its burning down. As the dust settled from their retreat I always think, "It looks so easy, one day I'll do that." And I didn't. But I didn't settle into a stable alternate career either. In four years I have been a server, bank teller, bartender, publicist and now I write copy for a pr firm. I have gone from barely scraping by on very sub par tips to adequately paying my bills and having nothing left over for life. Now that I am living at home again at least I don't have financial worries, besides worrying that I'll never save up enough to move out.

I have talked about living in New York with several friends or acquaintances over the years and nothing has ever come of it. I understand that people change their plans and have come to accept that no one does something they truly don't want to do, ever. I was a little disheartened about being let down for a while, but I guess I got over it. Last night I think I finally made a worthwhile connection though. A friend from college who gradated last year (and is awesome) wants to make the move and share a place with me. I couldn't be happier on the surface, but my more cynical side whispers "wait and see" in my ear. For the time being I am going ignore the voice and just enjoy the pleasant tickle of anticipation I feel. Its very possible that he too will back out and if that happens fine. Something will work out. But for now, I can sigh a deep breath and check this priority off my list. I have a roommate!

Now I have to plan the move, which is slated for mid May at the latest. I am going to move to NYC.

Oh yes, and it is all for theatre.